Jesus H. Christ! This gem was gathered from CNN in its usual hard-hitting fashion.

CHARLESTON, West Virginia (AP) -- Even Jesus Christ can't circumvent the rules for getting a driver's license in West Virginia.

Attempts to prove his name really is Christ have led the man born as Peter Robert Phillips Jr. through a lengthy legal battle and a recent victory in the District of Columbia Court of Appeals.

"This all started with him expressing his faith and his respect and love for Jesus Christ," attorney A.P. Pishevar told The Associated Press. "Now he needs to document it for legal reasons."

Described by his attorney as a white-haired businessman in his mid-50s, Christ is moving to West Virginia to enjoy a slower lifestyle. He bought property near Lost River, about 100 miles west of Washington, and has a U.S. passport, Social Security card and Washington driver's license bearing the name Jesus Christ.

But he still falls short of West Virginia title and license transfer requirements because his Florida birth certificate has his original name on it and he has been unable to obtain an official name change in Washington.

"We just need official documentation that that's his name," said Doug Stump, commissioner of the West Virginia Division of Motor Vehicles. "He will be treated no different than anybody else."

Christ applied for the legal name change in May 2003, but it was denied by District of Columbia Superior Court Judge Tim Murphy because "taking the name of Jesus Christ may provoke a violent reaction or may significantly offend people."

In his appeal, Christ's attorney argued that Phillips had changed his name to Jesus Christ 15 years earlier, and "has been using the name since then without incident."

The appeals court last month sent the name-change proposal back to the lower court, saying some required hearings in the case had not been held.

Any comment from the man in the middle of this legal tussle?

"Christ is not speaking to the press at this time," Pishevar said.

Now I'm not one to bash on religion (except those of which molest children as a religious "right of passage") but this is just too "out there" to let it pass without comment.

Does it seem strange that while this guy is trying to get a license as Jesus Christ, he still doesn't have a legal name change? Could it be that the person who stamps them into approval actually got it right this time? I mean, I can understand idiots who put their child on eBay and say, "PAY US, WE WILL NAME OUR BABY WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!"

Oh wow, this is even better. I'm sorry, but I must break topic for a minute and showcase this link I just found trying to find an example of baby naming on eBay.

What the hell (edited to remove utter crap that no one cares about, most of it that is):

PLEASE CHOOSE A NAME FOR OUR MIRACLE BABY DUE 9/11/05
RE-LISTED` IT'S A GIRL` TRULY A MIRACLE`` MUST SEE

IT CAUGHT US BY SUPRISE WHEN I TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST AND IT WAS POSITIVE, I ENDED UP TAKING 8 HOME PREGNANCY TESTS (I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT) AND THEN THE DOCTOR TOOK A BLOOD TEST AND ULTRASOUND AND SURE ENOUGH, BABY NUMBER 3 IS DUE SEPTEMBER 11, 2005, AFTER WE HAD AN AMNIO DONE WE FOUND OUT THAT WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER GIRL. MY DOCTOR SAID THAT I WAS THE SECOND WOMAN THAT HE HAS EVER SEEN IN HIS YEARS OF PRACTICE THAT GOT PREGNANT AFTER SHE HAD HER TUBES TIED!!

MY HUSBAND AND I ARE VERY EXCITED TO BE HAVING ANOTHER LITTLE GIRL, WE KNOW THAT SHE IS TRULY MEANT TO BE. SHE IS OUR MIRACLE BABY!! SO AFTER MUCH THOUGHT AND SERIOUS DEBATE WE DECIDED TO PUT THIS AUCTION UP TO GIVE YOU, THE WINNING BIDDER, THE CHANCE TO NAME OUR MIRACLE BABY!!!

THE WINNING BIDDER WILL RECEIVE THE LATEST ULTRASOUND PICTURE ALONG WITH A PICTURE OF MY PREGNANT BELLY!! AFTER THE BABY IS BORN YOU WILL RECEIVE A PARTIAL COPY OF THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, CRIB CARD, AND PICTURE OF THIS LITTLE MIRACLE BABY GIRL THAT YOU NAMED.

NO VULGAR, OBSCENE, RUDE OR CRUDE NAMES WILL BE ACCEPTED!!!!! IF YOU WOULDN'T NAME YOUR CHILD WHAT YOU ARE PLANNING TO NAME OURS THAN DON'T EVEN BOTHER BIDDING!! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE THE NAME AND SEND A SECOND CHANCE OFFER TO THE NEXT HIGHEST BIDDER (IF THE NAME IS UNSUITABLE). IF I DON'T RECEIVE PAYMENT, ITEM WILL EITHER BE RE-LISTED OR A SECOND CHANCE OFFER WILL BE SENT AND I WILL LEAVE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK!!!! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DEAD BEAT BIDDERS SO SERIOUS BIDDERS ONLY!!!!

Ok, a few things:

1. TYPING IN CAPS AND PUTTING TONS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE TYPE OF BIDDERS YOU ARE DEMANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2. SHARING WITH US YOUR LIFE STORY DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE APPEALING TO NAME YOUR BABY. AND IF IT DID, YOUR LITTLE DISCLAIMER AT THE BOTTOM WOULD SURELY PUSH THE BIDDERS AWAY. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ANY NAME? THEN WHY SHOULD WE BID?


3. IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT A BABY BEING "DUE" ON 9/11/05 THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL? CAN YOU GUARANTEE US THAT THIS "MIRACLE BABY" WILL BE BORN ON THAT DAY? ARE YOU GOING TO BE INDUCED???????????


4. THIS GIMMICK HAS BEEN BEATEN INTO THE FLOOR. GET OVER IT!!!!!?!?!???@~#(

Ok back on topic:

Anyway,

"Christ is not speaking to the press at this time."

Apparently not, with the Hard-Hitting, Non-Bias journalism that is CNN, Christ is not speaking to the press. Else I would be out of a reason to write these things.

Crap, that auction took the brunt of most of my inspiration. Oh well, come for the Christ, stay for the morons on the internet I suppose.